Exploring Grief: A Responsibility We Cannot Ignore
Hi, my name is Jess, and I am a grief survivor. My personal experience with grief has granted me an honorary membership into a club that no one wishes to join but provides unwavering support and understanding to those who arrive.
*We also give excellent hugs upon registration.
It is my personal and professional belief that, as adults, it is our responsibility to address the topic of grief head-on and foster meaningful discussions around it. Grief is a universal experience that does not discriminate and knows no boundaries. At some point in our lives, we will all encounter loss and pain, making it vital to approach this subject in a healthy and productive manner.
Grief is a complex and deeply personal experience that arises from any significant loss in our lives and cannot be neatly categorized or predicted. It is important to recognize that the grief journey is not linear but resembles a rollercoaster ride with ups and downs. During this process, we expect to experience vast emotions such as sadness, disappointment, regret, guilt, shame, resentment, anxiety and loneliness. These feelings may come and go unexpectedly and vary in intensity from day to day or from moment to moment. By acknowledging the reality of grief and its impact on individuals, families, and communities, we can create a supportive environment for those navigating through their grieving process.
Avoiding discussions about grief perpetuates silence and isolation. Instead, let us embrace our responsibility as adults to confront this topic with compassion and empathy.
How do we help those who Suffer?
Listen up, grievers! It is not your duty to minimize or diminish your grief because it may cause discomfort for others.
Should I say this again for those in the back?
Your emotional experience is valid and deserves acknowledgement. Collectively, we must become better at strengthening our tolerance for discomfort. By doing so, we can create a safe space where people can freely express their grief without fear of judgment or dismissal.
What would it feel like for a friend to say, "I see you suffering, and I don’t want you to suffer alone." (as said by the brilliant Dr. Gabor Mate).
Ask yourself: Am I comfortable sitting alongside someone else’s suffering?
When we are emotionally and openly vulnerable, we can equate this vulnerability to feeling burdensome. When we experience a loss, we desperately seek someone to say, "I see you, you still matter, and I got you"—the emotional equivalent of tossing someone a life jacket when drowning.
Fellow Griever, try this:
· Set a timer for 30, 45, or 60 minutes to bring awareness to the present feelings of your grief. Identify the feeling, name it, acknowledge it without contempt or judgement and attune with how it shows up in your body. Our emotional and physical are always connected. Sit in this for the duration of the timer. The timer provides permission to experience sadness, without self judgement or critique. When the timer goes off, it is your gentle reminder that you must continue with your day.
· We want to create healthy self-soothing and coping skills for our pain, which will look different for every individual:
breathwork, journaling, movement, and social interaction.
· The experience of trauma and pain can be stored in our physiological experience. Therefore, we need movement to flush out the despair: walk, exercise, dance, stretch.
· Ritual is an integral part of grief. Cultivating an act of intentionally honouring the deceased can be deeply healing:
write letters, create a photo album, cook their favourite meal, plant a tree
Friends do this:
· Check in on your friend. Asking someone about their grief does not mean you will suddenly ruin their day. Of course, be mindful of the context and environment when approaching the topic. A gentle check-in signals care and consideration and lessens the feelings of seclusion.
· Hold space. Sit in silence and sadness with your friend over a coffee. Communicate that you welcome this task, as often, the griever can feel like an emotional burden to others.
Fellow friend who is grieving, I’m so sorry. Suppressing your pain may temporarily relieve it, but true healing requires patience and self-reflection. So don't rush your pain - take the time to understand it and let it move through you. In doing so, you will emerge stronger and more resilient than before.
And sometimes, you have to “sit in the suck” for a little while until you feel ready to explore what is on the other side of grief.